Heather's Tale...part one
Thursday
Arrived to find Heather so changed
in appearance…but not in spirit.
There is a luminescence about her,
an unearthly glow that I have seen before around those who have accepted
their death and taken charge of the remainder of their life, as if the
spirit is lighting their skin from within with a subtle glow. There
are now visible tumor masses below the skin…lumps and lesions visible…and
the brain tumor has stolen the control of her left side from the neck down
from her. The room is filled with a constantly changing sea of faces…friends,
medical staff, family, all needing to bask in Heather's presence, to be
touched by her huge smile and glowing eyes. Her joy at seeing us is such
a treasure to us both. She truly acts as if we are her Grandparents,
not just her GodParents. No need to ask twice for anything…from her favorite
blue raspberry slushie from the cafeteria to her favorite food…all she
does is ask and it appears. Her appetite is astounding for such a
tiny body and she is alert and joyous when the meds balance out her pain.
Friday
Much of the same, but Heather has had to increase her meds level again from the pain, so she is sleepy longer and more often. Whenever she has an episode of breakthrough pain all the meds go up again. She is now even more insistent about having her wants met, but handles it with sweetness and truly savors every bite and sip. The meds make her forgetful, so she asks the same things over and over and often forgets she asked by the time she gets the answer. She is aware of this, though, and her frustration is comic and sad. She is not interested in any talk of dieing, even though the doctors say any time now…and she is drinking in our presence and her Grandmother's as if we are rare nectar. It seems the from 4:00-8:00 o'clock is a biorhythmic alert point for her and she is wide awake both in the middle of the afternoon and the middle of the night, chattering away and wanting slushies that she can't have till the cafeteria opens.
Saturday
I have learned my place and would
not dare appear at her door in the morning without the blue slushie in
place. Today her pain is higher, her discomfort less responsive to
the medications and her temper less sunny. She has a lot of
trouble finding a comfortable position and knows to the minute when her
meds are due…and woe to the nurse who is late with it. At this point
her nurse is assigned only 2 other patients, ones who need little medical
supervision, so that Heather has complete attention…and her nurses are
all her friends. They treat her as if she were their own child, teasing
and cheering her and comforting her all they can. Today she sleeps
much more often, and deeply, and we do the first guided meditation with
her when it looks as if she has slipped into a light coma. Larry
does a visualization of her floating down the Nile toward Her patron Goddess
Bastet, and after about 45 minutes of it she suddenly opens her eyes, looks
straight at him and says "Not yet" before going right back to sleep.
She is now getting a lot more medical attention since her med levels are
those of fully grown adults and she is still having breakthrough pain and
is wide awake despite the drugs. She sleeps only when the combination
is just right and then is awake and hungry/thirsty. Today she eats
heartily…chicken strips, braised beef, donuts, and the inevitable blue
slushies. We sit vigil sometimes in silence, sometimes in whispers,
sometimes with peals of laughter. Heather's pain has gotten to the
point that she has decided to learn to cuss…and begins practicing damn.
We can all see that this is an item on her list of must-do's and she is
charming about it, often apologizing after cussing. She keeps us
all dancing attendance on her every want, and glad to do it. In the
early hours of the morning she is able to tape a message of love for her
younger brother and sister to hear later.
Sunday
We have learned that Heather is writing her own book. Every time that staff suspects she is in a medicated coma she wakes up again. She spends much of the day cradles against her Mother, Father or Grandmother's chest, just resting in their energies a last time. As she sleeps all of her beloveds whisper their love to her and ask her to please let go. We all reassure her that we will guard Misty and Sam and keep them safe. She talks to me about her fear and tells her Daddy Sam of her regret that they had so little time together. I tell her of my Mother's passing and she weeps in sorrow for me until I ask her to help my Mom to the Summerlands. I tell her that my Mother did nothing by chance, so if she chose this day to cross over it was to be there to walk the shadow trail with her, and she agrees to this. She asks how to recognize her and I tell Heather to look for me, just 30 years older. She has healers, witches, ministers and friends surrounding her at all hours and she bathes in the love and power that fills her room. As the day progresses she slips finally into a coma and we all stand vigil, singing, praying and feeding her spirit our love and our desire for her to fly free of this tormented body. We sense that she hears us but is not ready yet to go, so we try to think of anything that is holding her anchored. None of the medical staff has ever seen anyone on her levels of pain meds and still waking periodically after 24 hours…the doctors are even wandering in just to see for themselves.
Monday
Heather has finally slipped into a deep coma and the day is spent in prayers of release. All of her friends and nurses are coming in for a last goodbye and we are all trying to think of anything that Heather had wanted to do that might be holding her here. Misty gives her a promised pedicure and manicure and Heather's foot never twitches despite her sensitivity to having her foot/toes touched. Her skin has taken on a pale glow, as if it is lit by moonlight, pale and luminous. The staff say it could be any time now, but Heather is a fighter and has a truly perfect physique, other than the cancers. She has now been receiving the maximum dosage of meds for almost 24 hrs, her breathing pattern has changed to shallow pants, but her pulse and blood pressure are still strong. Her seizures are lasting longer and growing stronger, now, and that is the only thing that is wearing out her valiant body. The doctors seem to think that her tumors are absorbing all the medication…but just how much med can an 85 lb body hold?
Her friends have all bid her farewell again and asked her to please travel onward and at noon we all suddenly get a faint scent of roses on a fresh breeze and know that Heather has flown free of her body. Both joy and tears accompany this, but now our duty is to help her body to shut down and we begin to stimulate her with exercise and force her body to burn more energy so that the process will be gently swift. We shift her position and check her pressure, and about 6pm we see it beginning to change. As we continue to work to help her body through this we each make our final loving farewells to this warrior child, and at 8:46pm the body exhales for a last time and is still. Heather has her favorite nurses, Grandmother, Mom, Daddy and her PaRa and MaRa surrounding her as her body quiets and a great peace and silence descends upon us all. There is a swirl of emotions, relief, joy, and deep sorrow as we leave her room to allow the nurses to prepare her body. When we re-enter the room to consecrate her, she has been laid out in perfect peace in her favorite pink pajamas holding her beloved doggie. The nursing staff join us as we do a consecration of her physical shell from head to toe, then we all make preparations to leave the room. Misty and Sam and Misty's Mom remain at the hospital to pack everything up and then we all head to Misty's home.
Tuesday
We each arise and sit in contemplation of the valley view off of the porch in back, in Heather's garden. This is the day for the hardest paroxysms of grief for all of us as we share Heather's passing and talk to far-flung friends and well-wishers. We talk of what has happened, how lucky we were to have been beloved of Heather and what we shall do in her honor next month. Misty decided that she will have Heather's memorial in Heather's home instead of the beach. There will be access to a kitchen and bathroom for all, that way, and through her own pain Misty is still worried about the comforts of others first. She and Sam will make a private pilgrimage to Heather's beach to release some of her ashes later on. Larry and I take leave of them both with sadness, gratitude and great pride that Heather allowed us to share so deeply in her life. We all feel Heather's presence strongly in her garden and know that she awaits our return and her memorial service before separating fully from this world… and that she is taking a time of peace and comfort among her beloved flowers in Heather's Garden.
Mere words will never tell the full
tale of what we witnessed and experienced, nor have I tried. Many
things are just too private and personal to share but I have touched on
the general highlights of the last days of young Heather's life so that
all who loved her may have a sense of having been there is some fashion.
I am a wordsmith, and I process things through words on paper, so thanks
to those who asked this of me. Your request allows me to touch upon
the glory that was Heather a last time, smile over her silly self and reflect
on how lucky I am to know Misty, and Heather, and Sam, and call them family.
I grieve for Heather as if she was truly my body Granddaughter, not just
family of spirit. As does AZ.
Heather's Tale...part two